Trusting God in the Dark - The Challenges of Walking by Faith and Not Sight

"Courage, dear heart." –Aslan, at the Dark Island in the Voyage of the Dawn Treader

"Let the one who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the LORD and rely on their God." -Isaiah 50:10

To make a long story short, I don't have a job yet, and I am still praying about that and looking for one. I have no idea what God is up to, but He has given me lots of reminders lately of His presence and some specific illustrations of Blind Faith - trusting Him in the dark - even when I cannot see where the path is leading and even when He is mostly silent on the subject and the waiting is hard and painful. In the dark, when I can't even see what is right in front of me, I have to believe in His good plan and great Love and that there is a reason for His timing and ways. It's especially hard to wait because I don't want to be a financial burden to my parents - they love me and have hugely supported me in all of this and throughout my life. I obviously could never repay them for all they have already done for me! (I am so hugely blessed because of them!)

Some days are better than others. Some days I am filled with hope, joy, and indescribable peace. Other days I cry my eyes out in frustration, discouragement, and pain wishing that I could just give up, but I know that I have to keep going and that I will keep going. God helps me through each day – the good and the bad ones. [Psalm 3:5-8 "I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the LORD sustains me. I will not fear though tens of thousands assail me on every side. Arise, LORD! Deliver me, my God! . . . From the LORD comes deliverance. May your blessing be on your people.”] Sometimes I never thought my heart could hurt so much, and I’ve had plenty of ugly moments during this period of my life, but God continues to pick me up, carry me, and heal my brokenness.

Even though right now I feel stuck here forever (woe is me), I know that God has a plan and eventually it will be ok. He is always good and true no matter what!

For running cross-country, when I would get tired at the end of a race, being able to see the finish line always gave me renewed strength and a sense of relief - I knew I could make it. With this season of unemployment, there is no finish line in sight - it could be just around the corner or many more miles down the road. I have to keep going by faith and not sight and that is much, much harder! Also, I have to rely on God's strength and not my own. If one thing is perfectly clear in all of this, it's that I can't do this life well on my own. I need God's help for everything!!!

To be honest, I like being able to see down the path ahead. Walking by faith is hard. We need God’s help to do that. We can’t rely on ourselves. One time with friends, rather than back-tracking on a trail, they decided to cut cross-country to save time, and everything in me railed against that. I don’t like feeling lost!!! But in the end it worked out ok. I had no reason to be anxious. They knew what they were doing. In a Max Lucado book, he tells a similar story of a tourist trekking through the middle of the jungle following a guide wielding a machete. The tourist asks the guide where the path is, and the guide replies, “I am the path.” He had to trust that the guide knew the way to their destination. So, that’s where I am at, trusting God, my Good Shepherd and Guide, to get me to my next destination when I don’t know the way and am presently in the dark of the jungle.

Sometimes I feel like I should wait until I have “my life all together” or “all figured out” before I post an update, but I should know by know that’s never the case. I wanted to share that to perhaps encourage any of you who are currently going through a challenging period of life.

Know that you are not alone.

Throughout all of this, it has meant a lot that God has surrounded me with family and friends to support me through this! I am so blessed because of all of you. Thank you for all of your prayers and words of encouragement and for just being there for me!!!

As a new year approaches, I pray that God would bless you and keep you. Who knows what the journey and the road ahead will hold . . . a lot can happen in a year ;) . . . fresh starts, new opportunities, romance, adventure . . . Keep following God into the abundant life He has planned for you, and it certainly will not be dull!!!

Katie

P.S. Some closing song lyrics:

Move Mountains Again - Julian Drive lyrics

My body wants to quit, but I keep pressing on 
My mind is weak but my heart’s getting stronger
I know you’re bigger than my deepest fear inside
You help me see far beyond these eyes
Take my hand and pull me through
I reach for you

Chorus
When my will gives out, when my walls cave in
You keep calling me back, and calling me friend
When my defenses fall, and I reach my end
You carry me over, and move mountains again (and again)

My self gets in the way, my efforts let me down
I give it all to You, tired, yet somehow
I know Your love can heal, my deepest hurt inside
You help me rise far above this life
Take my hand and pull me through
I reach for you

There’s none to big, and none to small
You’re God over everything, Lord of all

Some Needed Encouragement

Last weekend, I was feeling pretty sad about missing my Grandma after her death, saying goodbye to my sister and best friend Emily who went back to Montana after being home in Michigan for the week, and also having no idea what to do next future / job-wise. But lots of people really encouraged me, and I am so grateful! God has blessed me with amazing friends and family!

Lately, my mom and dad have both been incredibly encouraging. My mom keeps reminding me that there is a reason I haven't gotten a job yet - so I could take care of my grandma / spend time with her :) and so not to get down on myself. God has a plan and perfect timing. (I can clearly see that looking back!)

After the funeral and everything last week, I was feeling wiped out and a lot of pressure on myself to get a job right away, but Monday night my parents both said that I should take a week or two off after everything with Grandma. I was surprised! Seriously? Dad said, "and there's something I need you to do tomorrow... go golfing with me." lol. They said, "yeah, golf, fish, bike, etc. Give yourself time to recover." I appreciated their wisdom and advice. Then, my mom and I had a nice long conversation about Grandma Wandell and how much she meant to us :) I was like, God, You are crazy! Thank you for blessing me with such amazing parents / family!

I was all ready to get a job at Meijer or wherever. And I would be willing to work at whatever job I need to because I realized that I don't need a lot to be happy (family, friends, food, shelter, a library card :) I don't care that much about social prestige or climbing ladders, but I do want to work at what God wants me to, to support myself, and to appreciate what really matters in life. I also realized that I really do want to write a book and would like to get going with that :) Even more than I would want to be in book publishing, I would like to write.

Now, with with my parents' blessing, I think I will recover and wait a week or two to see what comes up job-wise. Mom called this the "here am I send me" period of my life, and I like that way of putting it. I am open and available to whatever God has next for me. . . who knows what that will be. lol. No doubt a great adventure. (Prayers appreciated.) Thanks to encouragement and time to rest, I am moving away from the discouragement and fear that had crept in and towards confidence, faith and trust in God and His good plan for my life.

Unexpected Blessings!

God is always doing immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine out of His great love for us. Ephesians 3:16-21 says:

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

These past few months since losing my part-time job in Februray, I have been blessed to spend an incredible amount of quality time with my Grandma Wandell and also had the time then to self-publish a book of her stories at Lulu.com. The day I gave that book to her was one of the happiest days of my life.

God is always working things out in mysterious, unexpected, unimaginable ways for good! That time with my grandma was a gift. His ways fill me with wonder and awe.

Just recently, at the beginning of September, my grandmother died. I was with her to the end and throughout her battle with cancer. I will miss her a lot, but I also have much peace. On earth, my Grandma Wandell was a brave, wonderful, beautiful, kind, gracious, funny, charming, wise, and loving woman of faith. I've been so blessed to spend quality time with her the past several months and throughout my life growing up. I have grown for the better simply by being in her presence and observing her life.

One of my favorite verses 1 Corinthians 13:13 says, "Three things will last forever - faith, hope, and love - and the greatest of these is love."

My grandma's life is a lasting legacy because she clearly lived it to love God and others. Not only does she live on here in how she changed my life for the better but also in the countless lives she touched with her kindness and love on a daily basis. I can already picture my grandma dancing and celebrating on the streets of gold in heaven, in the presence of her Lord and Savior, the One who loves us truest and best. And one day I look forward to joining her there. I love her, and I know I will see her again someday.

I am extremely grateful for what God has done in my life, but I still have no idea where He is leading me next job-wise. It's easy to get down or discouraged over what I can't yet see. I need to keep trusting God has a good plan (I can clearly see that looking back! especially everything with my grandma!), but I don't like feeling lost now! I'll just keep praying for help knowing that when His answer does come - it'll be that much more wonderful. I know I am always loved and that He is forever faithful. I look forward to the unexpected blessings He has in store and am the humble, joyous recipient of His grace.

God Is Faithful

God has been up to some crazy stuff in my life lately.

During a short trip to Arizona, I felt like something adventurous was about to happen or like something was about to change. After returning from that trip on a Tuesday, I found out that Friday that I would be losing my part-time job because there wasn't enough work to be able to keep me.

So, I had two weeks left there, and I am now officially unemployed (my last day of work was yesterday). Yet I am strangely filled with the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding. God has been so present in my life lately. I have no idea what is next. My only hope is in God, the One who loves me and is faithful. I rest in Him. I know He will provide and I eagerly await the next great adventure of whatever He calls me to. ("Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23)

It's weird to wake up in the morning today and have nothing ahead of me - no idea what the future will hold yet to be filled with peace from God and looking forward to spending time with Him and to seeing what He brings into my life next and how He provides.

It's crazy how things turn out. As you know, I have been looking for a full-time job ever since graduating last May, and it feels like it has been a long time in coming. I've exhausted all my own resources and know that without God's provision I am toast, which is actually a really good place to be and where I should have started from. So much good has happened in that time with volunteering and Bible studies that I never would have expected. God really used a period of seeming "stuckness" to use me for good and to shape me and my character and my trust in Him. It has been an interesting process. I am now completely open to whatever adventure God has next for me. I feel like God prepared me for suddenly losing my job and is up to something good but I don't know what yet :)

And you know, I have been strangely more alive and filled with joy these past two weeks since finding out I would be losing my job - because I have been even more focused on God, more aware of just how desperately I need Him, have spent more time delighting in His presence, have received help from Him in overcoming fear, and have been encouraged in so many ways that He is good and faithful.

So, we'll see what's next. lol. I have no clue. Prayers appreciated :)

Some other cool stuff God has been speaking to me lately:

"Keep your mind on the present journey, enjoying My Presence. Walk by faith, not by sight, trusting Me to open up the way before you." -from Jesus Calling by Sarah Young

"Perfect love casts out fear." -from 1 John 4:18