Condemned ALL - Redemption Possible

This past weekend, I was returning from a conference in Chicago for my graduate classes in library and information science, and I happened to be traveling on the Metra on Sunday morning when a lot of the people who were traveling on the Metra were going to attend the Chicago Gay Pride Parade. That initially got me thinking about how God loves all of us and how I do not want anyone in the world to miss out on knowing God personally, on knowing how much God loves them, or to miss out on experiencing real, abundant life in Christ. As humans, we all desire love, but sometimes we look for it in ways that are not good for us, that cause us and others harm, that are much less than God's best for us, that are not as God intended (sin).

On the crowded train, I happened to overhear one young man questioning the Bible as a comprehensive guidebook for life - when it does not tell a person how to run a computer, etc. - and more to the heart of the matter, how it could condemn a whole group of people?

My introverted brain does not often function in a way that allows for instantaneous responses in life - I tend to react slowly because I have to take time to internalize a statement, turn it over in my brain, and then consider what my response would be (and I certainly do not have all the answers to life's mysteries and questions).

In that case, something struck me as incongruous, and I greatly appreciated his statement because it got me thinking and reflecting... The Bible does not single out the gay community for condemnation - in actuality, it condemns everyone.

Romans 3:23 NIV says:

"for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God".

And likewise, the first part of Romans 6:23 NIV says:

"For the wages of sin is death"

We all sin and fall short of God's perfection and holiness and righteousness and goodness. Fortunately, for all of us, that condemnation does not have to be the end of the story! Yes, we are all condemned by our sins, but we can all be redeemed freely by God's grace because Christ died in our place. God came to earth as a human and walked among us and experienced what we did and then died and rose again from death to life; Christ conquered death to save us, to pay the penalty for our sins, to redeem us, to restore us, to transform us for the better. The verses of Romans 3:22-27 NLT say:

We are made right with God by placing our faith in Jesus Christ. And this is true for everyone who believes, no matter who we are. For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard. Yet God, with undeserved kindness, declares that we are righteous. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins. For God presented Jesus as the sacrifice for sin. People are made right with God when they believe that Jesus sacrificed his life, shedding his blood. This sacrifice shows that God was being fair when he held back and did not punish those who sinned in times past, for he was looking ahead and including them in what he would do in this present time. God did this to demonstrate his righteousness, for he himself is fair and just, and he declares sinners to be right in his sight when they believe in Jesus. Can we boast, then, that we have done anything to be accepted by God? No, because our acquittal is not based on obeying the law. It is based on faith.

Likewise, the full verse of Romans 6:23 NLT says:

For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord.

As I have mentioned before, I really liked how a friend put it that "we are all sick with the same disease (sin) - we just have different symptoms." We are all in the same boat. There is no room for pointing fingers or judging others or condemnation when we all sin. We all desperately need God to save us. We all need grace. We need God's help to be free of the enemy's grip on us, to live lives that are free of sin's power over us and lives that are transformed for the better. Galatians 5:16-26 says:

So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves. The sinful nature wants to do evil, which is just the opposite of what the Spirit wants. And the Spirit gives us desires that are the opposite of what the sinful nature desires. These two forces are constantly fighting each other, so you are not free to carry out your good intentions. But when you are directed by the Spirit, you are not under obligation to the law of Moses.

When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God.
But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!
Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there. Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives. Let us not become conceited, or provoke one another, or be jealous of one another.

When we accept Christ as our Savior, we are redeemed once and for all - because of Christ's sacrifice, the ugliness of our sins (areas we stumble in past, present, and future) can be entirely covered over by God's righteousness. We just need to receive the gift of redeemed, eternal life in him. Our sin separates us from, God, but because of redemption in Christ, we are made righteous / right with God and can have a personal relationship with Him.

There is nothing better than being restored to a personal relationship with God (the Most Wonderful One of All who Loves us Truest and Best).

Once we receive salvation in Christ and surrender our lives to God's leading and desire to walk through life in a personal relationship with God, the Holy Spirit (God choosing to dwell in us) is present with us always, every moment, every day and begins the process of daily transforming our mind, heart, attitudes, actions, lives for the better. In accepting Christ's sacrifice, in knowing God's great Love and salvation, and in walking daily with God in relationship - Real, abundant life begins - the Great Adventure and Romance of knowing God personally and experiencing life together with Him.

But may all who seek you
    rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who long for your saving help always say,
    “The Lord is great!”

But as for me, I am poor and needy;
    may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
    you are my God, do not delay.
-Psalm 40:16-17 NIV

Some Thoughts on the Marriage Question & on Wholeheartedly Living Now

I thought I would share some of what has been percolating in my heart lately, so that God may possibly use it as a source of encourage to someone else.

The desire to get married has grown in my heart immensely in the last couple of years especially. I'm still learning, like Rainer Maria Rilke writes, to:

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions”

Sometimes, with such a deep desire, it can be hard to be patient. Sometimes it can seem so intense and urgent. I think of how there are a lot of great guys at Bible study in the young adult community at church whom I am blessed to know as friends, but I only get to see them about once a week, and their is no guarantee that one of them will be God's choice for my future husband. It seems like nothing is happening yet, and if it were to happen that it will have to happen SLOWLY. lol. Or, at times, there is this ridiculous fear that if I miss one single social event, then it will happen TWICE AS SLOWLY. lol. Sometimes I have to tell myself, "get a grip!" Seriously. lol. If I am really seeking to follow God, then I cannot in any way speed up or slow down His will and timing for my life - nor would I want to! God sees the whole picture and knows best.

And, ironically, if God did begin to bring something about in that area of my life, I would not want it to be rushed. I do not want to date or marry just anyone - I do really want to know God's will for that area of my life. And, if I ever do fall in love with a man of God who pursues me and where God has guided and directed us both clearly, I would want to savor that and to continue to seek God every step of the way (as with every other area of life).  Besides, it takes time to get to know people and that is good. I want to just keep being myself and to let others be themselves and to get to know people and to really celebrate friendships and having fun together in this season of my life, and to wait (patiently) for God's will to be clear.

I think it is just hardest at times to feel the intensity of a desire and feel like NOTHING is happening. But, other times, I am hopeful and believe that God is already at work on certain things behind the scenes in so many ways that I cannot see. Or it can be hard to think that just because something has not happened yet that it might not ever happen (not true, but sometimes feels true). But with God, all things are possible. And I want God's will for my life whether that means being single or married. Both are gifts. There are often other moments when I am so filled with joy in God and in life now that I think - life is so deliciously good - take your time arriving, future husband, I am savoring and living up life now being single - no need to be in a hurry ;) lol. What a waffle! I believe it is always important to acknowledge and surrender all of the deep aching desires and glorious dreams on our hearts to God, and also essential to savor LIFE wholeheartedly and contentedly and with thanksgiving - right here and now and always and wherever we are at. Whether single or married that is "real life" too with both ups and downs and bitterness and sweetness and goodness and wonder.
  
In all of life, it hugely helps me to know that:

"For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless." -Psalm 84:11 [emphasis added] 

God's plans and timing and ways are perfect. 

 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." -Romans 8:28

I want to wait and see all that He has in store throughout this life :)

I think it was Eric and Leslie Ludy's book When God Writes Your Love Story (although I could be confusing that with a different book) that I read awhile back that mentioned how part of the romance of falling in love is that time of mystery before you ever know who your future spouse will be - that time of wondering. Sometimes I think, yeah right, when I am exploding with curiosity over what I like to refer to as "the marriage question" or "mystery man" - wondering who my future husband will actually turn out to be - if it is part of God's plan for me to get married. I JUST WANT TO KNOW THE ANSWER! lol. But other times, I can see the wisdom in that, I think that everything good in life is worth waiting for and part of what makes it worthwhile / romantic is the hope and curiosity and wonder and anticipation, and yes, even the waiting part that can be so terribly difficult at times. As a Josh Turner song puts it, "The longer the waiting the sweeter the kiss." 

In the midst of the waiting and wondering why that desire is so huge on my heart lately, I am continuing to find that there is so much treasure in each in every day spent with God - the Most Wonderful One of All - Who Loves us Truest and Best - even when some areas of life are "hope-deferred" ones that remain shrouded in mystery and unresolvedness and that require great patience. Even then, God brings to every single day unexpected treasures and romance and adventure! :) I recently discovered this Bible verse via a book (I think a Robin Jones Gunn one), and I absolutely love it:

"I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name." -Isiah 45:3

God is always doing that! Bringing out treasures in unexpected ways. So keep your eyes peeled. It may not be the particular treasure you are hoping for just yet, but look out! There is so much goodness in store! :)

And, while sometimes it can be painful to feel rejected at times or to look back at my various crushes (a.k.a. wrong guesses thus far at who my future husband might be), I also frequently find it to be quite funny and laughable. Some guesses were clearly ridiculous and short-lived and cases of letting my imagination get ahead of reality. Some were guys I appreciate and admire and still do, but were just not "the one" God has chosen for me. I do believe it is so true that some of "God's greatest blessings are unanswered prayers." I have been blessed to meet so many wonderful people in life and have many amazing friends. But I will just marry one man, and I want him to be clearly God's choice and for it to be God's timing and handiwork.

Sometimes, I liken wanting to get married to waiting for Christmas day when you know that you have this amazing present coming, and you just want to KNOW what it will be and in the meantime to guess at what it might be! But ultimately, you have to wait and see. Or, it is like being excited / curious to solve a perplexing mystery. But again, in this case, the answer will only come with patience and time and seeking God along the way for discernment.   

Somewhat related to that, I have always really liked the saying, "If you want to make God laugh tell Him your plans." :) Not at all in a bitter or cynical way, but rather, because I LOVE the thought of making God laugh :) Sometimes, when I am talking with God, I purposefully create ridiculous scenarios for how my life will turn out in general or how my future husband and I will meet just to share a good laugh with God :) Sometimes, it is just so good to laugh :) And, at the heart of all of that, I know that God's plans are always way better than anything I could dream up (thank goodness. lol.) 

I have several journals of letters to my future husband and pray for him at times now before we have met. Sometimes that seems confusing and hard, when I have only been wrong so far and still have no clue as to who he will actually turn out to be. But I want to continue to be hopeful because I trust God to lead me through the labrynth / confusing conundrum of relationships and the marriage question (and all of life!), and I trust that God will make things clear when I need to know them.  I pray that God would help me to live well in purity and faithfulness. I want to love God and others well. And I want God to chose for me IN EVERYTHING. I like these Jamie Grace lyrics about listening for God regarding the marriage question:

". . . when my ears start hearin' what people say
Hurry up find love cause times tickin' away
Well, I'm not bein' lazy I'm just waiting for
Still waiting for the right boy
Cause I only want to listen to Your voice
So I'll be listenin'
Always listenin' to You everyday"

I want God to choose in all His wisdom and goodness what is best for every area of my life. 

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." -James 1:16

And ultimately, while I do really hope to get married at some point, no matter what the outcome, I know that I will be okay - because the deepest desires of my heart and life are already (and always will be) fulfilled in knowing God, in His Great Love, and in belonging to Him and doing life together :) God is my Husband, Protector, Provider, Pursuer, Lover, Friend, Greatest Joy, and much more! I am so blessed!

"I will betroth you to me forever;
    I will betroth you in righteousness and justice,
    in love and compassion." -Hosea 2:19

 "For your Maker is your husband--the LORD Almighty is his name--the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth." -Isaiah 54:5

Don't Ever Give Up Hope

Out of nowhere in the rosebushes my dad planted in our backyard, there is one small rose bush that bloomed late, but has 25+ blooms in one brilliant cluster of red :) So miraculous, incredible, beautiful! Praise You, God, for another amazing and surprising gift!

And to me, those flowers are a visible symbol of God's faithfulness and promise to work all things together for good. It is always good to wait on God - whatever season of life we find ourselves in - in all of life's ups and downs. He knows best. Waiting on God can be so challenging at times, but it is always so worth it in the end!

 Reminds me of a passage from a book and of several Bible verses:

"Are you trusting God and waiting? . . . Perhaps you've prayed and prayed, but God hasn't answered. Your prayers seem like bulbs planted in a winter garden. Each time you check for results, all you see is barrenness, debris, and frost. You doubt the warmth of the faith you felt when you first planted the prayers in a season of light and hope. Patience, dear God Lover. Nothing is wrong with your prayers. Leave all of them safely hidden with the Lord. Hold fast to the hope that He has heard and is at work in the garden of your heart. One bright spring morning you will be stunned when you see what God's resurrection power has done with those requests you buried so long ago."

-from Praying for Your Future Husband by Robin Jones Gunn and Tricia Goyer

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
    but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."

-Proverbs 13:12

 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11 

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." - Romans 8:28 

Don't give up hope! God is already at work on your behalf! And one day, you will look up and be astounded and awe-struck! :)

Exciting News - Praise God :)

Just wanted to share some exciting news (praise God for working things out in CRAZY, incredible, miraculous ways!!!) :) I just found out last night that I was accepted into the Project ALFA (Accessible Libraries for All) fellowship program at Wayne State University. It will cover all of my tuition expenses for my Masters of Library and Information Science, is a huge answer to prayer, and is something that I am really interested in learning about :) For more about the program you can check out the ALFA website at http://www.projectalfa.slis.ua.edu/about.html

. But anyways, I am really grateful and overcome with joy and excitement and wanted to share the news with all of you :) [Earlier in the summer, I got rejected for the other scholarships I had applied for, but this is the one that I was really hoping would work out and had a feeling God might be up to something big :) Praise God for providing in a huge way! and for this incredible opportunity! I am so filled with awe and amazement every time at all the unexpected ways God works for good!]

Please pray that I would serve God and others well in this program :)

An Introduction: Venturing into the Library and Information Science Profession

This latest venture into a graduate degree and into the Library and Information Science profession, as well as my life in general, are testimonies to God working things out in unexpected ways for good.

While growing up, I enjoyed when my mom would read to my two sisters and me. I have always enjoyed reading and writing. I especially like imaginative and faith-filled stories and inspirational true life stories, and I would like to write my own Christian fantasy book at some point. My dad has instilled in me a wonder and a love for the outdoors and a sense of adventure. I really enjoy learning and trying new things.    

In college, I completed a Bachelor of Arts in English / communication with a goal of entering the book publishing field, and after graduation I completed the Denver Publishing Institute where I discovered an interest in the production and design sides of publishing as well as the editorial side that originally interested me. I felt God calling me to pursue an Associate of Applied Arts in graphic design. (I had enjoyed a desktop publishing class in high school, but always told myself growing up that I was not good at drawing and art, so that degree was something that scared and challenged me and that I also enjoyed.) During that time, I worked as an office assistant in an academic library and as an editorial and production intern at an academic publishing company.

After graduation, with the economic downturn, I faced a season of unemployment that God used to stretch and grow my character for the better. God then provided me with a job through my family in helping to take care of my grandma who had lung cancer and during that gift of quality time spent with her, I was blessed to be able to use my skills in publishing to compile, edit, design, and self-publish a biography of some of my grandma's incredible life stories.

After my grandma's death, I faced another stretching season of unemployment, before going out to Montana for a season of work with the Montana Conservation Corps working on a trail crew. In Montana, I also grew though that experience and had a lot of time to reflect on life, and also had some time to volunteer at the local library. At the season's close, I felt that book publishing was a presently closed door and that God was calling me into this new area of Library and Information Science.

Libraries have played an invaluable role for me personally throughout my life. I like how public libraries are resources available for free to the general public and that every person who walks through the doors is a living story. I am currently working as a library page at a public library, and I am interested in working in public libraries in the future, but I am also flexible and open to wherever God wants to take me down the road in life. 

In the last few years, God has been showing me that one of my greatest gifts is encouragement. Wherever I am at and whatever I am doing in life, I want to love God and others well; I want to point people to God's great love for them and to call out their individual strengths, gifts, talents, personalites, dreams, goals, purposes, and encourage them to be just who God uniquely and wonderfully created them to be.

I sincerely look forward to embarking on this next great adventure into a graduate degree and into the field of Library and Information Science.

God Is Awesome!!!! (Yet again :)

Hallelujah! You have done it again, God! - Completely and utterly amazed me and rocked my world :)

So. . . those of you who know me and where I am at right now in life will have heard that I am training for a marathon at the end of May. It will be my seventh one (crazy right). I was all excited and gung-ho when I signed up, and never expected my motivation to completely dry up. I have had some down moments at times with running, but never before struggled to this extent with a lack of motivation to run and with dread and discouragement regarding my training. I have had some ugly moments in the process. A seven mile run was a little bit of a turning point to realize that I could feel absolutely terrible and still run. But my motivation and joy were still very much missing in action.

But then! . . .

At my church just yesterday, in the latest sermon series Reel Faith: Finding God in the Movies the message was about relating faith to the movie Secretariat and was all about running your own race. 

1) God has given us each individually a race to run that doesn't look like anyone else's.
2) The largest part of all of our races is knowing God in relationship and experiencing His Great Love and returning it with out lives.
3) We will face obstacles in running our race.
4) We can face obstacles with courage and faith in God and not give up (even though at times we may feel like it!).
5) God is good no matter what obstacles we face, and we can bring Him glory and encourage others when we press on and keep running our race. He will help us to run the race and overcome the obstacles along the way and grow us in faithful endurance.
6) We have an imperishable reward in Christ. Victory is already ours in Christ and on its way so lets press on to run our races well and take hold of it. Philippians 3:12-14 says, "Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."]

In addition to the sermon, I was so encouraged at church yesterday by friends: that I am not the only one who ever struggles with motivation, and I am not alone in facing life; through a story about Navy Seals and only a few making it to become that: that often in our humanness, we give up when things sound hard but that you never know what you are capable of unless you show up and try ("Because you never know how far you can run unless you run." -Secretariat movie quote); and also that I am prayed for in this battle with motivation :)

This morning, I was going set out to run 20 miles for my training . . .

Beforehand, I read a Heart to Heart with Holley blog about not always having to place expectations on yourself but showing up and enjoying life and living each day as though you are experiencing it all for the first time like a child does. I was encouraged by that.

But also wondered - what could I do to get me through this long run? And an aha moment struck me: I can pray for people during my run and bless others' lives, and I can rejoice and praise, God, no matter what the outcome. And if I die and have to walk a lot at the end: then I will pray and praise for even longer, so take that Satan! Enough of ugly schemes to discourage me! I'm fighting back once again! :)

So, I set out to run while my Dad biked with me. . .

Early on in the run, I also realized / remembered that my worth is in no way dependent on the outcome of how well I do on this particular run or at all dependent on how far or fast I can run. - It is and always will be completely secure in belonging to Christ - in belonging to God and being Loved by God - the Most Wonderful One of All who Loves us Truest and Best :) I can rejoice and enjoy the journey - no matter what happens on this run or in life :)

And I had so much joy in Christ during the run - I couldn't even believe it myself! - The kind of joy that completely surpasses human understanding.

I couldn't even believe that I was the same person who just the other day had been in "the depths of despair" and rock bottom - my lowest point thus far in motivation for running. What a complete turnaround! And I owe it all to You, God :)

I love how You are always meeting me right where I am at in life - that never ceases to surprise, delight, awe, and amaze me :) But nothing catches You off-guard. It was no surprise to You, God, that I would struggle with motivation in training for this marathon. You are completely aware of my humanness - that I have good and bad days, that I struggle with making mistakes and sin, that I have areas of weakness. You love me through it all! And You are always growing me for the better and walking with me through all of life and working everything together for good (even my weaknesses, mistakes, and low points!) :) 

So I did pray for people and praise God on the run, and it was also like I was seeing the world for the first time: some sweet looking flowers, a lake in a gravel pit that I never even noticed before, a donkey, some horses, other people passing by, the wind, green trees growing leaves, etc.

At one point on the way out with the wind at my back, I tied my long-sleeved shirt around my neck and felt like I was a caped crusader / super hero / prayer warrior :) Yahoo! And then on the way back, my cape blew backwards as I ran into the wind, and I felt like I could fly :) And I almost thought flying was worth freezing to death for, but after awhile thought better of it. lol. I put my long-sleeved shirt back on.

The first 12 miles cruised by before I started to get somewhat tired. I ran another 3 more miles for 15, and then decided to walk with my Dad for a bit and get our two golden retrievers at our house so they could come with us. We headed out to an area where we could let the dogs off their leashes. And my dad was like, "Do you want to run some more?" And I thought, why not? So I ran up and down the grassy field a couple of times with the younger dog running with me, and it was great fun :) Then, thanks to my dad again (sometimes I need people to encourage / push me in life ;) I ran most of the way home and another mile after that! :)

So, those 20 miles were an incredible gift and blessing and joy, thanks to You, God ;) Hallelujah! As always, You rock, God! And I Love You too! :)

In closing, I would like to share some Bible verses and a song that encouraged me a lot :)

". . . Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength." -Nehemiah 8:10

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." -2 Corinthians 9:7-9

"Desert Song - Hillsong lyrics

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me, Lord, through the flames

I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and he is here

This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on his promise I'll stand

. . .

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship



. . .


And this is my prayer in the harvest
And favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I received I will sow"

:)

p.s. My struggle with motivation has also made me realize, that it will be incredibly great to take a break from training for marathons after this one to enjoy running shorter distances and other things :) lol. But I am glad for all God has been working in my life through this one. And your continued prayers and encouragement to see me through this marathon would be incredibly appreciated!!! ;)

Stand and Fight - Live into Joy :)

"Cause when push comes to shove / You taste what you're made of / You might bend, till you break / Cause its all you can take / On your knees you look up / Decide you've had enough / You get mad you get strong / Wipe your hands shake it off / Then you Stand, Then you stand" -Rascal Flatts lyrics

My sister Emily reminded me of that song the other day when we were out for a run, and I found it super encouraging.

Lately, I have had so much peace and joy in Christ and in walking with God. And I am so glad and grateful to be just where I am right now! :)

But our enemy, Satan, is always prowling around trying to steal our joy - to catch us off-guard, to get us to feel condemned or worthless, or like hopeless failures who should just give up. And Satan will come at us in all different ways in life to try to drag us down.

The area I have been struggling with most lately is still the desire for financial independence and security...

In walking with God, I know have done my best in life so far, in spite of plenty  of mistakes along the way. (And while reassuring to know I have tried my best, that also sometimes makes it feel worse - to have done your best and feel like "it's not enough"). But I wouldn't change anything about my past or where God has brought me through including unemployment. Yet, like I've said before, I am also not where I thought I would be.

I really love living at home with my parents and the huge blessing of getting to spend time with them :) I could care less about having my own apartment, etc. But the main thing is that right now they are paying for my housing, food, and often gas as well - and I keep feeling terrible and guilty about that. Those are things I would like to be able to pay for myself! At the same time, I am very grateful and believe God has throughout my life and right now blessed me hugely through them. And if for now God chooses to continue to provide for me through them, than I need to humbly receive that and be extremely thankful, (which I am!). I also need to let go of the condemnation and overwhelming guilt that Satan keeps trying to heap on me because of that.

I know that my parents love me and want the best for me and desire the same things I do - that I would be provided and cared for and would reach a place of financial independence and security. And they have been so supportive of me throughout my life and including right now. I love my parents so much and do not want to be a burden to them or a source of worry. I want to be a blessing to them and a source of joy and peace. And I pray for that!

Like my sister said, my true heart is not to be irresponsible, to take advantage of anyone, to be lazy, to be careless about spending money, to take on unnecessary debt, etc. I want to work hard and be responsible and live in ways that honor God and my parents. I need to dismiss the lies of the enemy that I am terrible, pathetic person who is failing and getting it all wrong and majorly letting others down.

Going through unemployment and this present season of life have taught me that I don't need a lot to be happy. I want to live contentedly and frugally and joyfully.

I choose to tithe and to keep giving to others in this season because my trust is in God to provide.

A friend at Bible study not long ago mentioned this verse from Malachi 3:10:

"Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,” says the LORD Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it." 

And 2 Corinthians also talks about giving generously even in periods of having seemingly little, and God will move in powerful ways:

And now, brothers and sisters, we want you to know about the grace that God has given the Macedonian churches. In the midst of a very severe trial, their overflowing joy and their extreme poverty welled up in rich generosity. For I testify that they gave as much as they were able, and even beyond their ability. Entirely on their own, they urgently pleaded with us for the privilege of sharing in this service to the Lord’s people. And they exceeded our expectations: They gave themselves first of all to the Lord, and then by the will of God also to us. So we urged Titus, just as he had earlier made a beginning, to bring also to completion this act of grace on your part. But since you excel in everything—in faith, in speech, in knowledge, in complete earnestness and in the love we have kindled in you—see that you also excel in this grace of giving.  (2 Cor. 8:1-7)

And:

Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work. As it is written: “They have freely scattered their gifts to the poor; their righteousness endures forever.” Now he who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will also supply and increase your store of seed and will enlarge the harvest of your righteousness. You will be enriched in every way so that you can be generous on every occasion, and through us your generosity will result in thanksgiving to God. This service that you perform is not only supplying the needs of the Lord’s people but is also overflowing in many expressions of thanks to God. Because of the service by which you have proved yourselves, others will praise God for the obedience that accompanies your confession of the gospel of Christ, and for your generosity in sharing with them and with everyone else. And in their prayers for you their hearts will go out to you, because of the surpassing grace God has given you. Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift! (2 Corinthians 9:6-15)

On a recent trip down to Florida with family, we ran into a young man and his dad who, in already difficult times economically, had car trouble and were in need of money to reach their destination. I wrestled with deeply caring about their situation, while not feeling like I was in a place to give - with relying on others for my own food, etc. I almost at the last minute decided to give him $5 from my wallet anyway - after all what would it really matter in the grand scheme of things - but then everyone was getting ready to leave, and I let the opportunity pass me by. Felt sad and torn about that and prayed for him and his dad. Later that night when we ordered pizza, I tried to put in a few dollars towards it, and my grandpa ended up giving me money back instead - like $7 dollars or something! While I make plenty of mistakes along the way, God is continually growing me for the better even through my mistakes. I knew that God was teaching me a lesson then - that it is still okay to give when God places it on your heart to - even when you don't feel like you can or when your offering seems small. He will work it out.  

In this area of finances, Satan keeps attacking me: that because I am not supporting myself right now or making x amount of $ - that I am not enough, a miserable failure, and that I always will be.

And that's where the Racal Flatts song comes in:

"Cause when push comes to shove / You taste what you're made of / You might bend, till you break / Cause its all you can take / On your knees you look up / Decide you've had enough / You get mad you get strong / Wipe your hands shake it off / Then you Stand, Then you stand" -Rascal Flatts lyrics

Lately in this season of God hugely restoring my joy, Satan has been continually trying to drag me down - especially in that area of my life. And I did reach a breaking point, but perhaps not the one that Satan expected...

I said - No! Enough! I got mad. I got strong. I decided to brush aside Satan's condemning words and lies and arrows. I know what Satan is up to in trying to - drag me down and ruin me and get me to crumble and give up - and I won't have it! I am strong and victorious in Christ! I have decided it is time to stand and fight (and I hope you decide to stand and fight too in whatever areas Satan tries to attack you and diminish you!) The enemy cannot have my joy or keep making me feel bad about myself in this.

My worth is not ultimately about how much money I make or any of that!

The sustaining truth I keep coming back to is that my worth is and always will be found unshakably in belonging to God - the Most Wonderful One of All - who Loves us truest and best. ("See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!" -1 John 3:1) And God is my strong Protector and Provider ("And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:19)

I know that I am where I am supposed to be right now. I love my part-time job at the library even if it is minimum wage. And I know God is hugely blessing me through that job and where I am at right now with being at home with family and with good friends at church. And I know God is calling me back to school to study library and information science. I have this feeling in my heart that perhaps my school will be completely paid for through scholarships - that God will provide in that way, so that I don't have to take on a huge debt. But regardless of how or when God chooses to provide, I know that He will provide and that I need to keep trusting and waiting on Him.

I find great encouragement in this season of life from the story of Joseph in Genesis. Joseph's brothers, out of jealousy, tried to get rid of him and almost killed him before deciding to sell him into slavery in Egypt instead. God blesses Joseph even in his time as a slave. Then, he is imprisoned for a crime he did not commit, and it appears that things have gone from bad to worse. But yet again, even in Joseph's time in prison, God blesses him. And unbeknownst to Joesph, God was using all of that to prepare him for what was ahead - to humble Joseph and grow him before a time when God would lift Joseph up to be a ruler of Egypt - to not only bless Joseph, but many others through him.

I am sure that slavery and imprisonment were not part of Joseph's own plans for his life! Just like seasons of unemployment and a present financial-dependence on my parents as an adult were not part of mine. But God always knows what He is up to in the bigger picture. He is always loving and faithful and good, and He is already / always working on our behalf for good - no matter what our circumstances may appear to be.

Jeremiah 29:11 says:

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

And Romans 8:28 says:

 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

I find that all very encouraging!!!!! That doesn't mean that we don't still have bad days from time to time or ever get down, but that we should keep pouring out our whole hearts, feelings, experiences to God in prayer. We should keep advancing with the God's truth to defeat the lies of the enemy. And we should keep practicing our offense and defense by putting on the full armor of God:

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.  (Ephesians 6:10-17)

And like a mentor of mine said - Don't even open the door a crack to the enemy who will try to knock down the door and push it open and wreak havoc. No! We are already victorious and free from condemnation in Christ, and we can pray for each other and stand strong together in the power of God!

Lastly, I would like to share another encouraging and related passage from the Bible to consider from 1 Peter 5:6-11 that says:

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen."

Let's stand and fight in Christ's power and not live defeated. Rather let's put on the full armor of God, trust Him wholeheartedly, rest in Him, stand firm, fight, and live victorious and joy-filled lives ;)