My Achilles Heel

I had a wonderful time on a recent trip to Kansas and Missouri to visit extended family. We had a lot of good conversations, shared stories, and adventures together. It was incredible to actually meet some of the people that I had heard about in stories from my grandma and my dad. (I had previously only seen some of them on a prior trip when I was 3 years old.) I enjoyed being welcomed into a loving and gracious group of people who I am glad and blessed to know.

The only downside to the trip was the frequent surfacing of my Achilles Heel  . . . that place of weakness where people poke you and you bleed. It hurts. For me, that is the pain of looking young for my age. I want to be seen for the beautiful woman that I am. But often instead, I am belittled, misunderstood, and disrespected. Most often that is the first impressions of strangers who don't necessarily intend to harm, but who don't realize how much their careless words and actions can wound.

One woman asked if I was on spring break and later asked another woman to guess my age, and she said 13. Ouch! I really wished then that I could crawl into a hole or escape to somewhere where people know me for who I truly am and take me seriously. [For the record, I am 26 and that is half my age! Eek!] What hurts the worst is when people find out the truth and still can't handle it. They carry on in shock and then continue to treat me patronizingly.

I wish I knew how to handle those situations better - to somehow speak up for myself and help people understand how their words and actions hurt. Usually in those moments, I don't have words to speak - the pain is too much. I just want to get through it. Even though it happens fairly often, it never ceases to catch me off guard. I'm not made of steel. I have a great capacity to feel and to feel deeply. 

While that has been a great source of pain to me throughout my life and what I often refer to as my Achilles Heel, I also refer to it as my Blessing in Disguise. While it is a frequent source of pain, it is also a constant reminder to me to treat EVERYONE with respect and to treat others how I would like to be treated (like Luke 6:31 says). Because all people, including children, want and deserve to be taken seriously. You can learn something from every person you meet in life. It also reminds me not to place so much weight on first impressions. I am equally guilty of misjudging people based on appearances. But this constantly reminds me to actually take the time to get to know people and understand them better and to see past the way things appear to the way things are – to see with your heart and mind and soul and not just with your eyes. [And I am very grateful for all of the people who have taken the time to love me and get to know for who I truly am and who have respected me and taken me seriously along the way!]  

I know I need God’s help to forgive the people who have hurt me because I don’t want to carry those arrows / wounds with me. God has already forgiven me for so many of my mistakes. I need to be willing to forgive others for their mistakes. He can heal my heart. I don’t need to live out of hurt and brokenness. I’m also sorry for all of the times that I have either intentionally or carelessly hurt others with my words and actions. I am striving to follow God, and He is growing me in my ability to love others well. But I still make mistakes. I need forgiveness and grace too!

When I am hurt by being misunderstood in this way, I am encouraged by God’s truth – that I am beautiful and loved by Him and that the way He created me is good. Some days are hard, and I wish I understood better why God made me this way - but often I can see so much good in it. I find encouragement specifically in these verses:

“Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.” -1 Timothy 4:12
[I feel like that verse is in the Bible for me personally!]

“Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.” -1 Corinthians 13:12
[Though others may persecute, disrespect, misunderstand, and hurt me by their lack of understanding (and I may at times intentionally or unintentionally hurt others) – God knows us all fully. That’s such a relief that in all circumstances – including the ones of hurt and pain – that we can run to God and be fully known, understood, and loved unconditionally.]

God calls me beautiful. And His word matters most. I love Him too! And I want to love others well.

During that trip I prayed that God would show me that I am beautiful in tangible ways. While I know the truth of who I am in Him, the words of others can be hurtful, and I can sometimes use reminders of the truth. He answered in the form of my Great-Aunt Noreen, a regal, beautiful, gracious, spunky, wise, and kind woman from Australia. Not knowing anything about my struggle, Noreen told me on meeting me, in a splendid Australian accent no less, in truthful sincerity and love, that I was “gorgeous.” My heart soared, and I knew that God was answering my prayer through her and speaking some much needed truth into my life. And that’s when I realized that one word spoken in kindness and love can cover over many hurtful words spoken in ignorance.

(“Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the bones.” –Proverbs 16:24
and
“The generous will prosper, those who refresh others will themselves be refreshed.” –Proverbs 11:25)

I am blessed to know many beautiful, gracious women who bring life and love and encouragement to others. I want to bring those things to others too - with God’s help. I want to grow more and more into that kind of woman as I walk with God through life and as He is continually in the process of transforming me for the better. I want a beauty that deepens over time. (As I’ve learned from both of my grandmas, “it takes that long to become that beautiful.”)

So there you have it. Sometimes our greatest weaknesses and sources of pain are also our greatest strengths. And God wastes nothing we experience in life. He works it all together for good if we’ll let Him have control of our lives and take it all to Him.