Unshakable Worth Not Based on Performance

“. . . In repentance and rest is your salvation,
   in quietness and trust is your strength . . .” from Isaiah 30:15

Sometimes I am overwhelmed by all the good things I want to do with my time. With being unemployed right now, I have plenty of time. I sometimes feel pulled in lots of different directions. I want God’s help to “number my days rightly.” I want to live with His peace in my heart. I want to accomplish things for Him, but I also want to live with spaces to just be. I can’t do everything all at once. I need help in deciding what to do each day and in focusing fully on the moment at hand.
    I like these lyrics from an Andrew Peterson song, “If you trust me with your time, I’ll spend it wisely.” That’s what I want! I want to walk with God daily and for Him to guide my steps.
    Even though that’s how I started off my day yesterday, I got sucked into the pressure to hurriedly move right from one task to the next. Ah!
    At one point, I happened to open up the book The Search for Significance by Robert S. McGee and ch.6 stood out to me in the table of contents - The Performance Trap - “I must meet certain standards to feel good about myself” - Fear of Failure - God’s Answer: Justification. I skimmed some, but am looking forward to reading the whole book later. But right now, it really got me thinking . . .
    There are so many good things I want to do, which is good, but cramming is an unsatisfying way to live. Am I doing things to prove my worth? If so, that is a trap because you can’t ever do enough. There is always more you could have done or something you could have done better, and that leaves you feeling unworthy.
    With being unemployed, I sometimes do feel like I have something to prove. But my worth is not based on what I do or accomplish. I already have value in God, in His great love for me, and in belonging to Him - in simply being - regardless of what I accomplish in a day.
    I do pray that God would provide something soon and show that He is taking care of me and leading me, and I know that He will. I don’t need to worry or be afraid. I can rest in Him. 
    In Him, I have grace and freedom. My worth is not dependent on what I do or on “measuring up” to a standard. I do want to live wholeheartedly to love God and others and to seek God’s help in living a well-balanced life.
     I am extremely grateful for mercy and fresh starts. Today, I want to begin anew. Rather than getting caught up in a whirlwind of busyness. I want to walk with God - to celebrate and savor each moment of the day in relationship with Him.
    Christ has set me free! I belong to Him! I am beautiful and loved and never alone! My worth comes from Him, and it is secure and unshakable!
    In closing, here is a song and some verses that express that:

What If - Jadon Lavik

What if I climbed that mountain, what if I swam to that shore
What if every battle was victorious then would you love me more
Would you love me more
What if I were everyone’s first choice, what if I went farther than before
What if I stood high above the rest than would you love me more
Would you love me more

You say I belong to you apart from the things I do
You say I belong to you I’m in awe of why you do
Why you do, why you do, I’m in awe of you, ooh

What if I ignored the hand that fed me, what if I forgot to confess
What if I stumbled down that mountain then would you love me less
Lord would you love me less

What if I were everyone's last choice what if I mixed in with the rest
What if I failed what I passed before then would you love me less
lord would you would you love me less, oh no oh no oh no

You say I belong to you apart from the things I do
You say I belong to you I’m in awe of why you do
You do you do you do

What have I done to deserve your son sent to die for me
What can I give I want to live give me eyes to see
In a world that keeps changin’ there’s one thing that I know is true
Your love is stayin’ there’s nothing else I’ll hold onto

You say I belong to you apart from the things I do
You say I belong to you I’m in awe of why you do
Why you do

You say I belong to you apart from the things I do
You say I belong to you I’m in awe of why you do
I’m in awe of you I’m in awe of you

The way you love me, the way you do
The way you do , the way you love me, you love me , you love me
The way you do the way you do the way you love me,
the way you love you love you love


“. . . for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented Christ as a sacrifice of atonement, through the shedding of his blood—to be received by faith. . . . Where, then, is boasting? It is excluded. Because of what law? The law that requires works? No, because of the law that requires faith. For we maintain that a person is justified by faith apart from the works of the law.” Romans 3:23-25a; 27-28

“Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God.” -Romans 5:1-2

“Jesus replied, ‘Very truly I tell you, everyone who sins is a slave to sin. Now a slave has no permanent place in the family, but a son belongs to it forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.’” -John 8:34-36

On Eternity, Grace, and Vacationing in Florida

Our vacation in Florida as a family this past week was like a glimpse of heaven on earth - surrounded by so much beauty and romance and adventure where the cares of everyday life drift away - much like a beautiful dream you don't ever want to wake up from but wish could go on forever :) ("He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." -Ecclesiastes 3:11)
      My parents, younger sister, and I enjoyed the beach with our two golden retrievers, looking for shells and dolphins, soaking up the sunshine, swimming in the pool, relaxing in the hot tub, biking and running, savoring the splendor of the cottage where we stayed, watching the sunsets, applauding God's glory and creativity, and being lulled to sleep by the crashing of ocean waves :) So good! Restoring. Relaxing. Delicious. Wonderful. Memorable.
     I think I treasured the trip that much more with being in a rough desert season of unemployed and much in need of some time for soul healing. The trip was completely paid for by my parents - an incredible gift, an illustration of grace, extravagant love and favor, completely unearned and undeserved by me but very much appreciated.
     After that trip, I feel more restored and excited about the adventures that the future holds. Praise God for His goodness to us and His grace and His love!

"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever." -Psalm 136:1

The Gravity of Love

I've been thinking a lot lately about how my deepest hunger and thirst is for more of Your presence, God, and for more of Your Love. That's something that is at the heart of every person whether they realize it or not.

I just read this passage in Irresistible Evangelism by Steve Sjogren, Dave Ping, and Doug Polluck that I really liked:

The Gravity of Love

A warm, soft bed at the end of an exhausting workday; an ice-cold glass of water on a sweltering summer afternoon; the tiny, trembling fingers of a newborn infant - these are a few of the things that are simply irresistible to most people. They appeal directly to powerful needs that God designed into each human being. He made us to hunger for comfort and refreshment and to thirst for love. These God-given urges compel us in a way that mere words never could.
     While the Pharisees spent most of their time disputing the meanings of words, Jesus ministered directly to people's needs. He recognized them and invited himself to dinner in their homes. He fed them, served them, and healed their sons, daughters, and mothers. As Jesus ate with them, drank with them, and mended their wounds, he told stories and asked questions that awakened a deep, supernatural thirst within them - a thirst only living water could quench. Jesus' love beckoned to people and drew them closer to God with a spiritual power as basic as gravity. . . .
     Poet Louis Ginsberg once said, "Love is the irresistible desire to be desired irresistible." We all long to feel, taste, and touch unselfish, unconditional love. The longing is a part of our spiritual DNA. In a world filled with disappointment, fear and cynicism, negative forces often muffle but never completely drown out the heavenly Father's call into love. It is always there in the background, waiting to be amplified and clarified by touch - the touch of God's people. When touches bearing God's mercy and kindness get through, mysterious and wonderful transformations begin to take place. 

Love is metaphysical gravity.
-R. Buckminster Fuller

. . . a more intimate and life-transforming relationship with Jesus Christ . . . the basic inner yearnings and spiritual receptivity that God has built into the hearts of all people.

That's what I want, God! for Your Love to shine through my life to others and for them to know You truly and deeply and for them to realize how great Your Love is for them!!!
     And even though I already know You - I realize that my deepest hunger and thirst and desire in life is to know You more and to experience Your great and perfect Love!!!

Your love is life to me / My truest longing / My deepest need, yeah / Without it one moment / I don't know where I'd be / Your love is life to me. -Avalon lyrics

     Sometimes I mistakenly try to fill that longing with other things like wanting to get married someday or wanting a purpose/mission/job in life or the approval and friendship of others. And sometimes You do speak Your Love to me through those things - but I don't ever want them to take Your place!!! I want everything as it should be - not to be idols that distract me from You but as signs pointing me back to You - the true source of my deepest need for Love. Living Water. Bread of Life.  the One who Loves me truest and best :)
     I love You too, God!!!

"Three things will last forever - faith, hope, and love - and the greatest of these is love."
-1 Corinthians 13:13 

To the Love of my life

I am in the desert and in the trial, God. I am a confused and broken lost sheep. You brought me here to refine me and for me to learn and grow, but You did not bring me here to abandon me nor will You leave it up to me to figure things out on my own. You are my Good Shepherd, who never leaves nor forsakes me, and You will bring me out of this and show me just what I need to know when I need to know it. You will always be with me in whatever I face in life, both the good and the bad. You are good, God. You work all for good, God. You began a good work in me, and You will see it through to completion. I love You too!

“Better is one day in your courts
   than a thousand elsewhere;
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked.
For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
   the LORD bestows favor and honor;
no good thing does he withhold
   from those whose walk is blameless.

 LORD Almighty,
   blessed is the one who trusts in you.”
-Psalm 84:10-12

Trusting God in the Dark - The Challenges of Walking by Faith and Not Sight

"Courage, dear heart." –Aslan, at the Dark Island in the Voyage of the Dawn Treader

"Let the one who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the LORD and rely on their God." -Isaiah 50:10

To make a long story short, I don't have a job yet, and I am still praying about that and looking for one. I have no idea what God is up to, but He has given me lots of reminders lately of His presence and some specific illustrations of Blind Faith - trusting Him in the dark - even when I cannot see where the path is leading and even when He is mostly silent on the subject and the waiting is hard and painful. In the dark, when I can't even see what is right in front of me, I have to believe in His good plan and great Love and that there is a reason for His timing and ways. It's especially hard to wait because I don't want to be a financial burden to my parents - they love me and have hugely supported me in all of this and throughout my life. I obviously could never repay them for all they have already done for me! (I am so hugely blessed because of them!)

Some days are better than others. Some days I am filled with hope, joy, and indescribable peace. Other days I cry my eyes out in frustration, discouragement, and pain wishing that I could just give up, but I know that I have to keep going and that I will keep going. God helps me through each day – the good and the bad ones. [Psalm 3:5-8 "I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the LORD sustains me. I will not fear though tens of thousands assail me on every side. Arise, LORD! Deliver me, my God! . . . From the LORD comes deliverance. May your blessing be on your people.”] Sometimes I never thought my heart could hurt so much, and I’ve had plenty of ugly moments during this period of my life, but God continues to pick me up, carry me, and heal my brokenness.

Even though right now I feel stuck here forever (woe is me), I know that God has a plan and eventually it will be ok. He is always good and true no matter what!

For running cross-country, when I would get tired at the end of a race, being able to see the finish line always gave me renewed strength and a sense of relief - I knew I could make it. With this season of unemployment, there is no finish line in sight - it could be just around the corner or many more miles down the road. I have to keep going by faith and not sight and that is much, much harder! Also, I have to rely on God's strength and not my own. If one thing is perfectly clear in all of this, it's that I can't do this life well on my own. I need God's help for everything!!!

To be honest, I like being able to see down the path ahead. Walking by faith is hard. We need God’s help to do that. We can’t rely on ourselves. One time with friends, rather than back-tracking on a trail, they decided to cut cross-country to save time, and everything in me railed against that. I don’t like feeling lost!!! But in the end it worked out ok. I had no reason to be anxious. They knew what they were doing. In a Max Lucado book, he tells a similar story of a tourist trekking through the middle of the jungle following a guide wielding a machete. The tourist asks the guide where the path is, and the guide replies, “I am the path.” He had to trust that the guide knew the way to their destination. So, that’s where I am at, trusting God, my Good Shepherd and Guide, to get me to my next destination when I don’t know the way and am presently in the dark of the jungle.

Sometimes I feel like I should wait until I have “my life all together” or “all figured out” before I post an update, but I should know by know that’s never the case. I wanted to share that to perhaps encourage any of you who are currently going through a challenging period of life.

Know that you are not alone.

Throughout all of this, it has meant a lot that God has surrounded me with family and friends to support me through this! I am so blessed because of all of you. Thank you for all of your prayers and words of encouragement and for just being there for me!!!

As a new year approaches, I pray that God would bless you and keep you. Who knows what the journey and the road ahead will hold . . . a lot can happen in a year ;) . . . fresh starts, new opportunities, romance, adventure . . . Keep following God into the abundant life He has planned for you, and it certainly will not be dull!!!

Katie

P.S. Some closing song lyrics:

Move Mountains Again - Julian Drive lyrics

My body wants to quit, but I keep pressing on 
My mind is weak but my heart’s getting stronger
I know you’re bigger than my deepest fear inside
You help me see far beyond these eyes
Take my hand and pull me through
I reach for you

Chorus
When my will gives out, when my walls cave in
You keep calling me back, and calling me friend
When my defenses fall, and I reach my end
You carry me over, and move mountains again (and again)

My self gets in the way, my efforts let me down
I give it all to You, tired, yet somehow
I know Your love can heal, my deepest hurt inside
You help me rise far above this life
Take my hand and pull me through
I reach for you

There’s none to big, and none to small
You’re God over everything, Lord of all

Some Needed Encouragement

Last weekend, I was feeling pretty sad about missing my Grandma after her death, saying goodbye to my sister and best friend Emily who went back to Montana after being home in Michigan for the week, and also having no idea what to do next future / job-wise. But lots of people really encouraged me, and I am so grateful! God has blessed me with amazing friends and family!

Lately, my mom and dad have both been incredibly encouraging. My mom keeps reminding me that there is a reason I haven't gotten a job yet - so I could take care of my grandma / spend time with her :) and so not to get down on myself. God has a plan and perfect timing. (I can clearly see that looking back!)

After the funeral and everything last week, I was feeling wiped out and a lot of pressure on myself to get a job right away, but Monday night my parents both said that I should take a week or two off after everything with Grandma. I was surprised! Seriously? Dad said, "and there's something I need you to do tomorrow... go golfing with me." lol. They said, "yeah, golf, fish, bike, etc. Give yourself time to recover." I appreciated their wisdom and advice. Then, my mom and I had a nice long conversation about Grandma Wandell and how much she meant to us :) I was like, God, You are crazy! Thank you for blessing me with such amazing parents / family!

I was all ready to get a job at Meijer or wherever. And I would be willing to work at whatever job I need to because I realized that I don't need a lot to be happy (family, friends, food, shelter, a library card :) I don't care that much about social prestige or climbing ladders, but I do want to work at what God wants me to, to support myself, and to appreciate what really matters in life. I also realized that I really do want to write a book and would like to get going with that :) Even more than I would want to be in book publishing, I would like to write.

Now, with with my parents' blessing, I think I will recover and wait a week or two to see what comes up job-wise. Mom called this the "here am I send me" period of my life, and I like that way of putting it. I am open and available to whatever God has next for me. . . who knows what that will be. lol. No doubt a great adventure. (Prayers appreciated.) Thanks to encouragement and time to rest, I am moving away from the discouragement and fear that had crept in and towards confidence, faith and trust in God and His good plan for my life.

Unexpected Blessings!

God is always doing immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine out of His great love for us. Ephesians 3:16-21 says:

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

These past few months since losing my part-time job in Februray, I have been blessed to spend an incredible amount of quality time with my Grandma Wandell and also had the time then to self-publish a book of her stories at Lulu.com. The day I gave that book to her was one of the happiest days of my life.

God is always working things out in mysterious, unexpected, unimaginable ways for good! That time with my grandma was a gift. His ways fill me with wonder and awe.

Just recently, at the beginning of September, my grandmother died. I was with her to the end and throughout her battle with cancer. I will miss her a lot, but I also have much peace. On earth, my Grandma Wandell was a brave, wonderful, beautiful, kind, gracious, funny, charming, wise, and loving woman of faith. I've been so blessed to spend quality time with her the past several months and throughout my life growing up. I have grown for the better simply by being in her presence and observing her life.

One of my favorite verses 1 Corinthians 13:13 says, "Three things will last forever - faith, hope, and love - and the greatest of these is love."

My grandma's life is a lasting legacy because she clearly lived it to love God and others. Not only does she live on here in how she changed my life for the better but also in the countless lives she touched with her kindness and love on a daily basis. I can already picture my grandma dancing and celebrating on the streets of gold in heaven, in the presence of her Lord and Savior, the One who loves us truest and best. And one day I look forward to joining her there. I love her, and I know I will see her again someday.

I am extremely grateful for what God has done in my life, but I still have no idea where He is leading me next job-wise. It's easy to get down or discouraged over what I can't yet see. I need to keep trusting God has a good plan (I can clearly see that looking back! especially everything with my grandma!), but I don't like feeling lost now! I'll just keep praying for help knowing that when His answer does come - it'll be that much more wonderful. I know I am always loved and that He is forever faithful. I look forward to the unexpected blessings He has in store and am the humble, joyous recipient of His grace.